I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
