The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
