Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
