Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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