ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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