I accidentally burped into my bong.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
