It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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