I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
