Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
