she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
