I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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