You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
try to milk me bitch
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