Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
