there's paper in my vomit.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
