Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
