Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
