Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
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