Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
