You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
