a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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