Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
