we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
