I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
