Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
