I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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