wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
