The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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