Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
