my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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