Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
