saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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