He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
i black out too much to be "responsible"
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
