Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
