I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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