i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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