We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You're like the curious george of whores
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
