i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
