Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
