There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
