look no pants
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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