The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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