Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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