lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
