I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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