I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
