please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
