just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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