Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
