we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
