imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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