Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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