Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
