Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
