he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
