I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Welp...herpes.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Randomize
