yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
