How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
