When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
