I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I can't turn off my feet"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
